Earlier this month, the anniversary of when my body crashed for the first time rolled around once again - seven years. It feels like a lifetime ago. My world has never been the same. That evening as I went to the ER, in what would later be countless more visits, I never expected that I would still be in the hardest season of my life all these years later.
God has brought me through so much. It's been a really difficult season for our family and one that few will ever understand. There really are no words that can even try to describe the unique challenges of this sickness. Just when I'm past one hard thing, another one hits. It's been relentless - but I'm here. Finally seeing steady glimpses of healing and giving thanks to my Savior for all that He has done and how far He has brought me. I don't know how anyone does this apart from Christ.
The Lord has been so incredibly faithful to our family. He has kept us, protected us, preserved us and provided for us time and time again. I will never stop proclaiming His faithfulness. When people look at me, I don't want them to see my suffering. I want them to see how faithful God has been through this season and how He is working to redeem my story in ways that only He can. I want them to see beauty in the ashes, gold purified through harsh fires and a grace that has no explanation. A testimony to His faithfulness alone through it all.
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower."
Psalm 18:2
There have been countless times that I didn't know if I could take any more. I still have many days where all of this feels like too much for one person. The faithfulness of God though continues to strengthen and sustain me each and every time I reach that point - over and over and over again. In the loneliness and isolation of this season, His presence surrounds me, His peace calms me and His Spirit continues to sustain me.
It's been a season of deep surrender and purging - of wills having to break and bend to His. Dreams, goals and hearts being stripped and broken. A season of handing over to Jesus what we had built for years. A time of dealing with broken expectations and hope deferred that often seemed to surround us on every side. I've endured even when I had every reason to give up. In the midst of battling doubts, fears and losses, I made a choice to stay at the feet of my Savior and let Him carry me through this storm. It has been seven years of blind trust where most things haven't come to fruition like we'd hoped. So many breaking moments and often days where nothing feels in alignment, but so much deliverance and beautiful refinement can be found in the debris. The door to breakthrough has never felt so close!
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2
I can look back to just a year ago and see how much stronger I am and how far God has brought me. Yes, I'm tired and extremely weary. Wilderness and warfare seasons that go on for this long will do that. But God has strengthened, deepened and equipped me along the way. He continues to prepare me for the next season that I know He is bringing forth. Our Heavenly Father wastes nothing. Even those things I would rather avoid. He is using them to shape and refine me into who He created me to be. God is in the business of restoration and redemption. He pieces the hardest parts of our stories together to bring about something new. He continues to bring me back to the full understanding that His timing, His process and His way can always be trusted.
I've been able to find joy and blessings even in the crushing. My hope is that this past season will show that I am living in a miracle of God's grace. Nothing I have earned or deserved. A grace that never ends and one that continues to be my lifeline. Without it, the burdens of these last years would have broken our family. But because of God's endless grace, they have drawn us closer to Him and sustained us through everything we have faced.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
My husband has always been fascinated with numbers and how God can move and work through them. Numbers in the Bible are often symbolic of a deeper meaning. The number 7 in the Bible especially has great significance as it appears over 700 times. It is often associated with completion, perfection or something being finished - both physically and spiritually. The number 7 derives much of its meaning from being tied directly to God's creation of all things. God created the earth in seven days. There are seven days in a week and the holy Sabbath was originally on the seventh day. The bible as a whole was originally divided into 7 major divisions. In 2 Kings 5:10 it says: Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, "Go wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed." There are many more examples, but my point is to show you that the number seven is significant and suggests concepts such as completion and fulfillment of promises.
I've gone through this last season of seven years which was full of trials and suffering. My prayer and declaration is that God now has me entering a new season of seven years filled with healing and restoration as I begin to take back sevenfold what the enemy has stolen. We already started to see this forming in our lives and beginning to grow last year - the seventh year of my illness. The transition with a season ending and a new seasoning beginning. After the Egyptians and Israelites endured seven years of famine, they still had to wait for the next harvest before they could experience plenty. I am praying and believing in faith that after seven years of such an intense valley, the years of promises fulfilled are beginning.
"I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten..."
Joel 2:25
As I enter this new season, joy will mark my steps - not because of any certain outcome, but because I've learned that whatever comes, Jesus is already present and with me. He is already waiting in all of my tomorrows for whatever I may face. As a family, we are expectant for this next season. God has brought me through these last seven years. I know that He will complete what He has started. Christ in me - the hope of glory!
Oftentimes God's path to deliverance looks very different from the path we would have chosen. We like quick fixes. Oh how parts of me wish that I could have easily found a solution that first year of my illness and continued to live the life our family had "planned". Our society wants struggles to be dealt with in the most convenient way possible. Most times, it doesn't work out like that. The path to true healing can be difficult. It often leads us to places we would never choose to go and asks us to lay down things we don't want to lose. It takes bravery to choose the narrow road. My body didn't give me much of a choice, but God has given me a fire in my soul that was made to walk this road as He sustains every single step.
The path to deliverance is becoming a beautiful journey of faith and one I can now say that I am grateful to have been trusted to walk, despite everything. God is so kind, loving and full of compassion. You can trust Him as you walk whatever road He has carved for you. He will make rivers in the desert and roads in the wilderness. I am living proof of it.
"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:19
My progress since this past fall has slowed down a lot and certain things have seemed to reverse to how they were last winter. We are living in the tension of what our next steps should be despite having hardly any resources left to pull from. The enemy keeps trying to usher fear into places of our hearts that leaves us paralyzed at times with how to move forward.
Often when God is doing a new thing, you don't always see anything changing in front of you right away. Everything may look the same as it has been or it can even feel like you are going further away from where you hoped you would be. But here's a hidden gem. When God speaks His word over you or when you read a Bible verse that you feel is God breathed over your life, it's an invitation. If you'll grab hold of what He spoke and stand on it, no matter what you see around you, that is the kind of faith that will unlock the promises of Heaven over your life.
We see it happen all throughout the Bible. You can receive the word from God in your heart, declare amen and then walk confidently carrying the truth He has spoken over your life. Seven years ago we faced a lot of fear and so many unknowns. As this new season arrives, we face expectancy and anticipation of what God is doing as we keep looking to him for direction and standing on the promises He has given us. What may seem like God's inactivity is never His inability. He is able.
God has spoken countless verses over me these last seven years that have become my war cry and lifeline. One of the first was a verse from the book of Isaiah that He gave to me early on in my sickness. I heard His still small voice in my head over and over again saying "your light will break forth and your healing will arrive." At first it didn't dawn on me that it was a verse. I kept thinking it was a song lyric or a line from one of the many health and healing books I had been reading just trying to figure out what was going on in my body. After a few more times of hearing these words spoken louder and very clearly not my own thoughts, I discovered what verse it was from and that the Lord was speaking it over me again and again. Life giving doesn't even begin to describe what receiving this word felt like.
As I have walked through these last years, this verse has been my declaration regardless of what my eyes may see. The meaning of the words in this specific verse have come up in countless doctors visits and conversations confirming just how applicable this promise truly is with what my body is going through.
"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."
Isaiah 58:8
Here is what I know - we can't lose hope. All of us at some point in our lives will go through seasons of waiting . Some longer than others. If you don't have expectant hope where you believe that things WILL change, it will hold you back from being all that God created you to be and will also keep you stuck in a place of despair.
Hope is rooted in the truth that God is working all things together for good regardless of what our earthly eyes may see. Hope leads to joy. Hope leads to strength. Hope shifts the atmosphere. Hope changes things. Choosing hope is a daily decision, but it makes all the difference. Yes, I'm still waiting... But I have expectant hope and I still believe with all my heart that my light will break forth and my healing will appear.
I'm walking this road out in faith and sharing pieces of what God places on my heart. Ultimately, the outcome is up to Him and Him alone. This is why we call it faith. It's not knowing what is ahead of you, but knowing who is in control of whatever is ahead of you. Faith is an act of will. It is a choice based on the unbreakable word of our Lord and Savior.
God has placed this deep-seeded faith in me that tells me that redemption and healing are coming. That I will see the promises He has given me fulfilled on this side of heaven. It makes no sense from an earthly perspective with how sick I still am, how much we have lost or how long the road looks from these earthly eyes. But Jesus. He continues to give us a reason to hope, because He who promised is faithful. Always.
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, and everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track."
Proverbs 3:5
Although I am unsure of what these next years will hold, I will continue to put my hope in my Heavenly Father and believe that my complete healing will break forth. I trust that He will continue to renew my strength to endure whatever is ahead. God has the power to change circumstances and seasons in our lives that seem impossible. I believe it even more today than I did seven years ago. From waiting to walking... At any moment God can choose to move.
Will you join me in praying for this next season and that it would bring about fulfillment of healing along with the promises our family has been standing on and praying into these last several years. We are so blessed to have access to the inner throne room of our Heavenly Father through Jesus Christ our Lord and we are humbled by all the people who continue to pray for our family. May God be the one who is glorified through it all. The most defining moment in a miracle is often in the middle where your faith is tested and challenged. The miracle is in believing - not seeing.
Amy<3
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