In the Midst of Waiting

strength in surrender

The gift of sun and sweating for hours, when we have clean air, has been what's started to shift and rebalance this vessel of mine. Not only is the warmth and light healing, but the UV rays from the sun actually help to purify my blood, addressing the Babesia and additional issues directly. While there are treatments available that harness the power of UV for this purpose, they come with a hefty price tag for how often I would need them and a greater risk because of my sensitivities. Sunlight, on the other hand, offers this therapy freely and my body adores it.

I can't tell you enough how life-giving and healing nature and the sun can be. Because of wildfire smoke this summer, getting consistent sun has been a struggle. It's added another layer to trying to make any notable shifts in healing. When you're battling an illness as complex as mine, where every step to sustain real progress feels like a huge mountain, every bit of healing sunlight is crucial.

I'm all too familiar with this path - it often feels hard to get ahead. This messy oxygen-deprived middle is a weary place to be, especially as summer winds down. Yet, I also know that I was able to reduce these symptoms once before. With God's grace and strength, I can do it again.

Surrendering the Seasons

Life makes no sense sometimes. I'm in a season of waiting. I have been for a long time now. It's difficult and beautiful. Painful and sanctifying. All in the same breath. It's surrendering over and over again. Falling down but still choosing to get back up. It's relying daily on His strength because mine is often utterly depleted.

I know God is moving and working because I continue to see goodness and a nearness to Him that I never would have known if it weren't for this valley. Don't get me wrong; it doesn't change my heart's desire or my expectancy. However, I am continually reminded that even the hardest of seasons has its own unique beauty and God’s hand has been so evident every step of the way. I will continue to let my waiting say "I trust you God."

In the midst of feeling like life is indefinitely paused, whispers of hope in the stillness continue to remind me of a purpose greater than all the pain and loss. This healing journey is unpredictable. Rather than a straight clear path, it often feels like a squiggly roundabout route that I would never willingly choose to go down. Yet, every step, no matter how challenging or small, is a testament to the progress I choose to believe I am making despite how I feel and the grace that continues to be my lifeline - each one bringing me closer to the breakthrough I await.

Holding onto Faith

These last months have been marked by the intentional decision to keep fighting. Keep believing. To put my faith in not what I see in front of me, but in the One who holds my future. It has felt as though I've had to make that choice every 5 minutes some days. When your body decides to do the opposite of everything it should, it can make for some scary moments. Trauma from years of this cycle is very real.

At some point over the years, I decided I wouldn't give up. I chose and continue choosing daily to put my hope in the One who is the author of this story. He continues to carry me through. And I slowly see Him turning my pain into a purpose that will glorify His name.

Compared to the start of summer, I notice more progress lost than gained. That can be a very hard reality and was not expected. As fall draws closer, fear starts to try to creep in with all the next steps we face and how much ground seems to be lost. Facing further complex tests and pricey consultations, with expenses that stretch us thin, we are praying to unravel the persistent roadblocks that continue to halt my progress.  But right here, right now, I can thank God for His unending grace and faithfulness. My hope is truly in Him alone. God is in the grief and the silence. I remind myself that He will not forget me or forsake me. His plans for me are good. Even surrounded by what feels like never-ending battles, I can still be a testimony of God's faithfulness.

I deeply appreciate your continued prayers. I wish I could list out all the specific prayer needs we currently have, but they are many and the burden is heavy. One of my Doctors told me years ago that cancer would be an easier path than the one I am on. The weight of that statement is not lost on me.

I ask you to boldly wage war for me, for our family.  Choose to stand with us in faith, not in fear or worry. Pray in the Spirit. This isn't just an attack on my life. My kids also face their own sets of symptoms and battles along with my husband.  But we remain steadfast that the enemy will not win or have the final say. God speaks a better word. Whenever the Lord brings us to your mind and you're uncertain of how to pray, simply say: "Holy Spirit, come."

Additionally, please pray and ask God to place us where our family will thrive, whatever that may look like. I have my feet firmly planted under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. My entire journey is a testimony to being Spirit-led and following the less sought after path. It's not lost on me that some might find my way through this deep valley bewildering or might not grasp all that I share. I can be misunderstood, and that is ok. I am resting in the arms of the Creator of heaven and earth who wholly understands me. I have nothing to prove. My focus remains clear: I am living for an audience One. Every decision, every move, everything about these trials is led by Him and will continue to be. His guidance is what I seek now, more than ever, along with the open doors we are meant to step through in so many areas of our life. I remain expectant to see the Lord continue to work in my life, my body and my family.

When I started sharing more openly last year, it was because the Lord asked me to. For so long in this valley, I stayed quiet about what He was doing in my life and my body.  I realized that if my life was to be a testimony for God's sustaining grace, I needed to show that God has breathed life into my own dry and weary bones. While part of me would prefer to keep this entire journey private, I will continue to obey His call and share what He puts on my heart. I would love for you to stand with me in faith, hope and encouragement, declaring victory while being expectant for what God is doing. Anything else will continue to be unwelcomed.

When we truly believe that God is working in our waiting, it changes everything. We can come to appreciate what a season like this cultivates. He is strengthening our faith and increasing our dependence on Him to do what only He can do. I take God at His word and daily try to leave my worries about tomorrow in His hands where they belong. The story I pray others see in me is one full of faith, transparency, hope, determination, strength, resilience, grace and surrender.

I might not know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow. I know how the story ends. I am confident in the goodness and faithfulness of my God. Continuing to trust Him and surrender my grip while resting on the promise that He's working it out for my good and for His glory. Trust Him, my friends. He's working it out for you too.

Amy <3