So many unknowns. So many unanswered questions with no easy answers. I'm extra grateful today that the one who holds all of our tomorrows is holding us. The hardest part about suffering silently is that you don't know when it will end. You wake up everyday thinking "maybe this will be the day my healing will manifest in my body." Or you plead "please help me God, I don't have enough strength or desire left to get through another day of this pain."
People often assume that the worst part of these extended valley seasons of illness is having to withstand the physical pain. That is not my primary struggle. I often struggle with the disappointment, being misunderstood and just not knowing how long this suffering is going to continue or how much deeper the valley is going to go. The unpredictability is so hard.
Chronic illness is a very lonely place to be and when you add all that Mast Cell Activation Syndrome takes from my life, the road gets even lonelier. I have cried more tears over the isolation and loneliness than over any physical symptom. I've suffered, but God continues to pull me close and His grace in my life has proven to be more than enough.
The Gift Of Friends
I have been blessed with many close friends on this journey that I have never "met" face to face, yet they know my heart better than many that were in my own life before my sickness. God has been putting people in my story who do understand my valley and my loneliness without having to ever explain anything. God is so personal in showing us His love and grace. He won't just leave us in our disappointments or where we are.
These friendships are some of the greatest gifts God has given me in this season, but not one of these sweet ladies has the same story that I am walking through or even the same set of daily symptoms. I still often wish that I could find someone who has gone through exactly what I am going through and fully believed everything I was saying. Someone who could give me an exact path to follow. As of today, not one person on this earth knows exactly what I am going through or understands me completely. Trust me, I keep looking and asking and hoping. Even my husband who witnesses everything day in and day out is not that person.
My God Sees Me
Through this, I am reminded that there is someone who does know me and He created me in His perfect image. He is my Heavenly Father, the one true God who knit me together in my mother's womb all those years ago. He has seen everything over these last few years. He knows my thoughts and sees every single tear that falls in the middle of the night. Though I don't always feel His presence, I know this to be true because of my faith.
I will continue to walk in faith even though I can't see what the future holds. I know who holds my future and He is trustworthy. I can look back and see how His hand has steadily guided all my days and I know He will continue to do so. God is faithful. He'll fulfill every promise He's made to me. There is no mountain He cannot move. I choose to focus on my unshakeable God instead of the chaos, questions and isolation that can overwhelm my days.
I know so many of you who are currently facing similar situations. Just know that you aren't alone because some days it can sure feel like it. I see you and I am here for you and our LORD sees every single moment. He has a plan to redeem your story and use it for His glory. Keep believing with me!
Amy<3
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