I try to keep these pages more glass half full focused with a touch of the hard, but I am still trying to even process and recover from one of the worst nights of my life a couple weeks ago. I debated posting anything, but this can be a very real and heart breaking part of this journey that needs to be acknowledged and spoken about more openly. I know I'm not alone as so many others have shared with me similar parts of their stories and the heartbreak that comes with it.
Deep trauma occurred over myself and my children from the actions, words and lack of respect from many who are close to us. This is not a place where I will ever name names, but what happened felt like I was in a sci-fi movie and they were going to either lock me up or take me away in a straight jacket. There are so many layers to this story that I cannot share, but people would literally not leave my house that night. I was already struggling from multiple mold exposures earlier that day and every person who walked into my home unwelcomed knew that I would react to them - yet they stayed and had no respect for me or the boundaries my illness has placed on my life. I was once again reminded how unseen my world really is as I was treated like an outcast in my own home and made to feel invisible in my severe suffering.
The saddest part is that my 12 year old son experienced the worst of it emotionally by those he respected and looked up to. It is heartbreaking. So many lines were crossed that night. This illness is already too much for me to handle most days, let alone the mold aspects of losing most of our belongings and now this. I have learned even more how strong my intuition is and many things were confirmed that I didn't want to realize were sadly true. They are now at a point where I can't ignore them. Praise God that His still small voice can always be trusted. Always.
Boundaries Are Healthy
I won't go into details but the CIRS, severe Mast Cell Activation Syndrome and late stage chronic neurological Lyme Disease is a combo that few will fully believe or will ever understand unless they have walked a similar road. I get that and I don't expect anyone to. But, I will not tolerate gaslighting. My son witnessed first hand what has been happening to me subtly over the last four years from countless people. Doctors included. It has become a lonely journey and one that seems to get lonelier. I vowed to both my children after that night that I will do everything I can to protect them from ever having to witness something like it again. Boundaries are healthy, sacred, biblical and we need to have them be even tighter in our life going forward if I want to heal, have a stable family and emotional health. My limited energy does not need to be consumed by these types of things any longer.
Please pray for my kids precious hearts and also that God would heal and give me back my joy. In four years on this journey, God has given me His supernatural joy every single day despite all we have gone through, but lately I am having trouble finding it. I know it is still there and I know I will find it again by His grace alone.
It can be incredibly painful when the people in your life don't believe your symptoms, try to minimize what you are going through or treat you like it is all in your head. It can feel like the ultimate betrayal. This journey is very hard to understand and so lonely when you are in the thick of it. I am extra grateful today for friends who get it, believe you and are walking similar roads along with Doctors who will keep advocating for your healing. They are all beautiful treasures in my life.
In time, what the enemy meant for evil, I know God will use for good, but right now enough is enough. For now I need to distance myself to help save myself and keep our family together. I need to dwell in the secret place with my Heavenly Father. He is my hiding place and He will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. It is there I know my joy will be found again.
God's Not Done Yet
I have been studying more about the armor of God lately along with learning even more about the spiritual weapons I have, who the real enemy is and how to claim what is rightfully mine. This verse keeps coming to mind these last few weeks.
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over their present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the Heavenly places."
Ephesians 6:12
Reminding myself again that the battle in front of me is being fought in a realm unseen and our enemies are not the people we know, or those that hurt us or abandon us in our valley. Instead we are at war against Satan and the unseen forces of evil. This foe, who scripture calls a serpent purposefully divides, demeans and discourages anyone who puts their hope in the Lord and dares to believe that God is redeeming and restoring all that he tried to destroy.
Let your roots go down deep my friend and choose to draw your strength from the unseen. Every broken part of my story and your story has a chance for revival. I believe that with all my heart. God's NOT done yet.
Joy will come in the morning.
Amy<3
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