This one makes everything in my world better with just her smile. My sweet Ella. We are currently waiting for my Functional Neurologist to call us in for my appointment. How many hours do we spend like this? Sadly, too many to count. I try not to mess with packed waiting rooms that love to trigger mast cell and histamine issues, overstimulate my nervous system and zap my limited energy away. I haven't been able to sit up straight in a chair in years. I need my legs propped up in some fashion and to recline my body a little in hopes that I can breathe easier and not have my symptoms flare. So we wait here in our SUV and try to make the best of all the appointments that my little love tags along to. She rarely complains and just wants her Mama to get better. I am so blessed by her smile and her heart.
The compassion both my children show me when it would be easier to express disappointment, impatience and frustration is such an encouragement and testimony to God's grace over their hearts. Both so often try to find ways to help me feel better and bring a smile to my day. The way this illness impacts my children is what breaks my heart the most. They have been forced to grow up so fast. I can handle the pain, I can handle the rejection, I can handle the unknowns and all the losses. But when it touches my babies so deeply, it just hits harder.
They have had to give up so much and both have had their own health impacts from mold and Lyme. The tears in my daughter's eyes when she had to toss all of her favorite stuffed animals from our old house nearly broke me. We are all still sleeping on mattresses on our sub-floor since we ripped out all of our carpet and my kid's find it fun. It makes the losses easier. They joke that we are camping in our own house! Both hold very loosely to their worldly items.
For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
2 Corinthans 4:17
If you are a Mama in a valley, I am sure you understand. Mama guilt hits harder in these deep extended valley seasons full of loss. Not at all how we envisioned this life. As a Mom, we don't want our babies to suffer or go through hardships. But that's not realistic. We live in a fallen world where trials are a part of life. As much as I wish they wouldn't have this be part of their story... I can see first hand already how God is using it to build their character. They are incredible humans - full of joy, grit, hope, compassion and resiliency. God has used pain and suffering to teach them things that mountain tops never would. He's shown them how to fight with faith when the hard seasons come.
I am believing God will redeem the years this sickness has stolen from us. He is producing something far greater in my kid's lives than what my illness and our losses have taken. Maybe my chronic illness is not so much a deterrent to my children's happiness as it is a source of God's sanctifying work in their life for future blessings and joy. Maybe my struggles are not just a hindrance, but instead the path God has chosen to help my children have eyes to see those around them that are hurting, lonely and struggling. I know nothing is wasted with God. He is writing a beautiful story.
Amy<3
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